The black voice of death

The black voice in my mind...

People who are creative have more in common with people who are bipolar than they do with “normal” people, but the commonalities lie not so much in the mood disturbances as in idiosyncratic thinking patterns, enthusiasm and passion for their art, how easily they can produce new and strange ideas and connections.

The black voice behind the art…

The artistic temperament is a disease that afflicts amateurs.  It is a disease which arises from men not having sufficient power of expression to utter and get rid of the element of art in their being.  … the very great artists are able to be ordinary men—men like Shakespeare or Browning.  There are many real tragedies of the artistic temperament, tragedies of vanity or violence or fear.  But the great tragedy of the artistic temperament is that is cannot produce any art. 

Sometimes I feel like there are two voices in my head, The one that keeps telling me its hopeless. Nothing will ever come from this. Why do you keep trying? You’re useless, no one wants your work. You have no value.
It is a continual battle to keep going. To keep on fighting for my passion.
Generally, I can overcome the emotion and voice. It is a voice that has been with me all y life. The voice of the parent or authority figure that kept showing me that I have no value

I have no rights. 

I was wondering why I continually struggle with this issue of value? Logically and spiritually I understand the impact and point of view, but why is it still influencing my thought? I’ve also been reading “The Artists Way”

Part of the journey and task is to explore your inner voices. So, I decided to sit down and write down the specific words, and then try to associate each negative with a specific instance or situation. 

 

The effect of negative language on a child

Abusive and hurtful words that a parent or parents use affect all the areas of children’s lives. They grow up with feelings of ‘not being perfect’. They feel inadequate and blame themselves for being the cause of parent’s frequent reprimands and negative communication. They feel that they are constantly being watched with a critical lens. There is a feeling of being judged all the time.

These children grow up to be harsh on themselves. It can even make them demanding of others and set very high expectations for themselves as well as for others. They become sensitive about negative comments and there is a tremendous amount of guilt. Children with verbally abusive parents can even get into substance abuse or commit suicide.

What is childhood emotional neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect occurs when a child’s parent or parents fail to respond adequately to their child’s emotional needs. Emotional neglect is not necessarily childhood emotional abuse. Abuse is often intentional; it’s a purposeful choice to act in a way that is harmful. While emotional neglect can be an intentional or non-intentional disregard for a child’s feelings, it can also be a failure to act or notice a child’s emotional needs. Parents who emotionally neglect their children may still provide care and necessities. 

How does childhood neglect affect adults?

People who are emotionally neglected as children grow up to be adults who must deal with the consequences. Because their emotional needs weren’t validated as children, they may not know how to deal with their emotions when they occur.

The most common effects of childhood neglect in adulthood include:

  • post-traumatic stress disorder
  • depression
  • emotional unavailability
  • the increasing likelihood for an eating disorder
  • shunning intimacy
  • feeling deeply, personally flawed
  • feeling empty
  • poor self-discipline
  • guilt and shame
  • anger and aggressive behaviours
  • difficulty trusting others or relying upon anyone else

These adults have never having learned the importance of their own emotions, and have difficulty identifying their own feelings.

Now…I’m definitely one of these adults. Apart from emotional neglect I also suffered from severe sexual and emotional abuse. (But that is a story for another time). In order to help myself, (and others), I have been using this Emotional Chart to identify what is going on inside my heart. 

Sometimes I despair, and I wish God was a Fairy God-mother with a magic wand. Just magicking it all away. But unfortunately, He doesn’t. He leads us into deeper waters so that we can learn to trust Him in the Storm.

Making Mistakes

Only the brave make mistakes

Trying and failing is not wrong.

I’ve failed many times in my life. I’ve failed as an artist, a mother, a friend, a human. My failures have to lead me to new unknown shores. It’s only when we fail, that we can look back and learn. We don’t always learn from succeeding. We learn more from ‘the dark night of the soul’. 

I have often doubted whether I should keep on painting. From being a 20 + year-old winner of the largest Fine Art competition in my country I descended in obscurity and depression. My life has not been easy.  (Read about my life journey here!)

Depression

I’ve been through many dark times. I’ve had years of painting and marketing and no sales. I’ve had to learn to paint because I want to tell my and your story. We are not survivers, we are victors. To survive is to overcome, to life is to be courageous!

Why do I need to paint?

I know what it is like to be in that dark place. A deep hole in the ground and all you can see is a little ray of sunshine, the size of a coin, in the middle of your hand. I know what it is like to have no hope, to desire death and oblivion, to feel like you are drowning in depression…but God…

So, keep on walking. Make new mistakes. Learn and adapt. It’s only when we learn that we can share our journey with others. 

Image result for quotes on seeking

We are lost until we are found. Keep walking. Keep seeking. You will be found

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You might also be interested in my online courses:

https://artfordummies.thinkific.com/
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